“I’m Fine”

Why we should drop "how are you?" from casual conversation.

I have a confession - I hate the question, “How are you?” I hate it for a variety of reasons. First off is the non-specific way in which we use it. We use “how are you?” as a way of saying, “hello” or “good to see you” or “haven’t seen you in awhile.” None of those are questions, and yet we attempt to convey those ideas with a question. Awkward. So when people say, “how are you?” I often wonder if they actually want an answer to the question or if they are just saying hello.

Secondly, it’s most often used insincerely. This could really be a sub point of the first thing because it’s so closely related, but it needs to be said. Often when a person says “how are you?” they don’t want a real answer, and certainly not a long or honest one. We are supposed to answer “fine.” Anything else is an inconvenience, a burden, negative, or attention seeking even though you’re just answering a question you were asked.

Lastly, and this is what I’ve actually been thinking about today, the answer is so complicated it can’t be answered in casual conversation. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a secondary pain condition called Myofascial Pain Syndrome. Like my primary condition of fibromyalgia, no one knows what MPS is. Keep in mind it took over a year of unrelenting pain and several tests before I even got a diagnosis. Not long after the diagnosis a friend asked, “how are you?” I gave some vague, obligatory answer but they asked a more specific question about the pain I’d been experiencing for over a year. Since they were genuinely interested, I told them about my diagnosis and then started explaining Myofascial Pain Syndrome (which I’m not going to do here, but Google will happily tell you). Their reaction to the phrase “secondary pain condition” was so huge that I immediately began comforting them about my condition. I started to downplay the severity of my symptoms. I started to tell them how great my life is and I was sure it would eventually go away (it hasn’t). I talked about how much hope I had for my treatment options. My friend was so horrified at my condition that I immediately regretted talking about it and felt the need to comfort them. 

Is it any wonder I hate the question “how are you?” Even if people think they really want to know how I am, they aren’t prepared for it. It’s a lot to understand. It’s a lot to carry. Even then, there are a certain number of people that think I’m lying. They think no one could have all that going on, so I must be making it up for attention. I actually get that. I don’t appreciate being called a liar, but I understand their difficulty believing it because I have the same difficulty believing it every day. Every day I say “how can I live like this?” “This is unreasonable!” “I don’t want to do this anymore!” While certainly not everyday, there have been many times in the last few years that the pain was so constant and unrelenting that I have begged God to take me home. He says no. I’m not done here. So I trust Him because He is always good, and I continue on moment by moment.

I would love it if we stopped “how are you?” as a substitute for “Hello, good to see you” in our society. I would love it if “how are you?” was reserved for literal usage. It’s just so awkward and misleading. However, that’s not how language works. So, please remember when you are talking to someone with chronic illness that the questions “how are you?” is a difficult one. “Hello” is good. “I’m happy to see you” is nice. If you sincerely want to hear how we are doing, then please be prepared. Maybe Google the condition ahead of time. Honestly, when someone says to me, “so I Googled your condition,” I often cry. It means a lot. But that’s another story. For now, if you say “how are you?” I’m going to say, “fine” or “any day I’m out of bed is a good day!” or I’m going to ignore the question part and just say, “Hello, good to see you.” None of those are lies, and none of those will cause me years later to regret saying too much.