And still we wait . . .

Thought I should update on the pregnancy/labor situation . . .

To Induce or Not to Induce - That's the Question

Over a week ago I started having labor contractions.  Although they weren't unbearable, after a couple of days I was concerned so we called my doctor and he recommended I go into the hospital and get checked out.  It was determined that I was in the early stages of labor, but not close enough to stay.  They sent me home with the expectation that I would be back within a couple of days.  It's been a week.  The contractions have increased in frequency and pain, but not to the point where I could go back to the hospital.  It's really quite maddening.  These contractions don't let me sleep more than a few hours at a time and make it impossible to get much else done.  We have spent the last week in a holding pattern.  Just waiting.  Derek is still working, but limitedly because he can't leave me for long and I can do nothing to care for Noah at this point.

It has been recommended that we induce labor on Thursday (39 weeks) because of the gestational diabetes.  This is a general recommendation with gestational diabetes because the baby may get too big and that increases the chances of an instrumented birth (forceps, vacuum) or c-section.  My doctor, however, is not pushing me either way.  We didn't even talk about inducing early with Noah.  I like my doctor because he's laid back and will not push me in a way I'm uncomfortable with.  The choice is up to Derek and I to either keep waiting or go in for a scheduled induction on Thursday.  We are leaning toward waiting, yet, I'm quite tired already.  Please pray we have wisdom in making this decision and/or that the baby will come on her own today or tomorrow.  My doctor is going to call us today before he leaves his office for our decision.

Please also pray we can get enough rest.  For some reason, Derek is also exhausted.  He seems to be getting enough sleep, but never feels like it's enough.  He really needs to be at his best for this whole thing.

Either way it works out, I am really looking forward to holding my daughter in my arms.  I'm so ready to see her little face.

Noah is Turning 2!

In other news, tomorrow is Noah's second birthday.  While we won't be celebrating until sometime later, I'm excited that my little man is turning two.  I can't believe how quickly the two years have gone.  Right now he's talking up a storm and repeating everything we say.  Today we are teaching him the words "John Wayne,"  since we are watching a John Wayne movie.  We have a good friend who loves John Wayne.  So I'm hoping that once Noah has this down, we can take him over to see her and he can correctly identify all the pictures on her wall.  She would be thrilled!  Grandpa would be pretty happy as well.  What can I say?  My son is an American, and there are certain things he know - flag, pie, football, John Wayne etc . . .  Currently his favorite word is "motorcycle."  He sees them everywhere!  He is really all about the vehicles - car, truck, motorcycle etc . . .  Nice to see my Dad's side of the family making itself known because he certainly didn't get this from Derek. :)  Sometimes Noah compulsively puts things away and throws things in the trash.  THAT he gets from Derek.  He must.  He doesn't get it from me!

So we wait for Jellybean.  Every night (or early morning) I go to bed thinking "it'll be tonight."  Every morning (or afternoon) I wake up surprised at the time, and that we didn't have to go to the hospital.  I'm thinking of changing her name to Patience, cuz I need a little Patience. :)

Keep Looking UP

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  ~John 10:10

As I open the top of the prescription pill bottle, count the contents and try to decide - one or two? - a thought strikes me.  This is no life.  Most people take an OTC pill, what, once a week?  A couple times a month?  For a headache, backache, or muscle strain after over doing a work out.  Not me.  I take, on average, 3 prescription pain pills a day.  For a minute or two the thought "this is no life" consumes me.  Even with these pain meds, I barely function.  This is no life.

Then I hear a voice, I believe it is the voice of a much younger me reciting a verse for Awana, or Sunday School or Bible Camp.  It could also be the voice of one or many preachers I have heard.  The voice is reading the words written on my heart so long ago "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."

There have been several times in my life that I have come to realization (usually to correct my own wrong thinking), that God did not put us here, Jesus did not redeem us with His own precious blood that we may just live.  God gave us life to live with joy.  When the monster steals my focus, I miss out on the joy of that moment or hour or day.  But when I look away from the monster and look up I see all the God has given me.  He is generous and kind.  I have much more than I deserve and, sadly, much more than I thank Him for on regular basis.  God has not just given us life (although that would be more than enough!).  He has given us an abundant life - joyous, victorious and free.

I remember a time of struggling in college.  I don't remember what the issue was, but I called home for the comfort and help that parents can give.  I remember my dad asking me if I ever watched runners.  Like Olympic runners.  Of course, everyone has seen competitive runners.  He said, "What happens if a runner looks down at his feet while he's running in a race?"  He would trip and fall.  Life is like that.  We are running a race, pressing on toward the high calling.  If we look down at our feet we are going to  trip, fall or at the very least get off course.  We've got to keep our eyes on the goal.  My goal is my Savior.  Someday the pain of this life will have passed and I will spend eternity in the light of the Son.  A taste of that joy can be found here if we keep our eyes focused on Him.  That's what I need to remember when I'm counting pain meds.  When I'm wondering if it's too soon to take another one.  When Sunday comes again and I am home alone and overwhelmingly discouraged.  When I can't pick up my son and comfort him.  When I have to count my pain meds I should count my blessings.  The Lord has given me a wonderful family.  A beautiful, happy, healthy son.  A healthy daughter on the way.  A husband that is patient and self sacrificing.  A church family that shows me Christs love and compassion.  Friends that stick with me even though I am a really hard person to be friends with.  The list goes on and on.  Those pain meds I worry about, ration and count are just for this life.  In heaven I won't need them.  In heaven I won't ever have to think about them.  What a blessing.

Since first writing the above a few days ago, the flood has threatened to overwhelm me.  I have felt as though I were drowning and alone.  The fiercer the storm, the greater the temptation to look down at my feet.  Life's problems always seem biggest when we are focusing on them.  Yet, if we focus on God the problems seem so much smaller.  I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.  I'm am still tempted to try and wade through the torrent on my own - trying to find the solution on my own.  Oh the strength and energy I am wasting!  So, I am spending today redirecting my focus.  Letting God's Word wash over me.  Listening to music that will comfort me and help redirect my focus.

This is what's playing at my house today.  The verse in bold is especially encouraging to me, although I love the entire song.

In Christ Alone

by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

IN CHRIST ALONE my hope is found,He is my light, my strength, my song;This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.What heights of love, what depths of peace,When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!My Comforter, my All in All,

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! – who took on flesh,Fullness of God in helpless babe!This gift of love and righteousness,Scorned by the ones He came to save:Till on that cross as Jesus died,The wrath of God was satisfied –For every sin on Him was laid;

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,Light of the world by darkness slain:Then bursting forth in glorious DayUp from the grave He rose again!And as He stands in victorySin’s curse has lost its grip on me,For I am His and He is mine –

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,This is the power of Christ in me;From life’s first cry to final breath,Jesus commands my destiny.No power of hell, no scheme of man,Can ever pluck me from His hand;Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!

CCLI Song # 3350395, © 2001 Thankyou Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing)

Meet Jellybean

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:28 

I have probably used this verse before.  Be assured, I will use it again.  This verse greatly encourages me and increases my faith.  I love God.  I try to live like I love God everyday, so I know that all the difficult things I face will work out for good. I may not always see it, but that’s why I need faith.  I cling to this verse and am better for it.

As you probably know, we are expecting a little girl.  She’s due to arrive the first week of November.  If you are paying entirely too much attention to my life, you will realize that she’s due the week after Noah turns two.  People keep telling me how perfect that is, and all I can say is “We didn’t plan it that way!”  We had talked about trying for another baby shortly after Noah’s first birthday, but that was because it took us 2 years to conceive Noah.  So we though that if it takes two years again, we’d better start around then.  When that time rolled around we knew we were not ready for another one yet.  With my health getting increasingly worse, and Derek having to be primary caregiver and primary bread winner we already wondered how we would make it through the day.  That didn’t stop me from wanting another one right away.  Then, even that feeling waned under the strain of life.

However, God knows infinitely more than we do.  Although I thought we had taken necessary steps (ish) to prevent a surprise, surprised we were.  I would go into more detail here (because I like to laugh at myself), but sometimes less is more.  Needless to say, it didn’t take two years to conceive our little girl.  It didn’t even take planning.

Although I have had a long list of baby names picked out since before we were married, now that we are here, we can’t seem to find a name we both love.  So, for now, we are calling our little girl Jellybean. 

So far this pregnancy has been entirely different from my first.  Morning sickness was about the same.  Cravings though – entirely different.  I had to start physical therapy for back pain with this pregnancy.  I learned though that it’s not uncommon for women to have this kind of back/hip pain and need physical therapy in their second pregnancy.  Also the same – gestational diabetes.  I was really hoping to escape that this time around.  I almost convinced myself that I would.  I lost weight between the two pregnancies, though it wasn’t much.  My weight gain this time has been dramatically different.  At last count it was less than 10 lbs so far (7, I think?).  That’s quite a change from the 30+ I gained with the first pregnancy.  I’m still not even to the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant the first time.  But apparently all that wasn’t enough to escape the gestational diabetes this time.  Last time it was especially bad.  I had to have 5 insulin shots a day.  Ouch.  Not to mention saying goodbye to things like cold cereal, ice cream and juice.  By God’s grace, the diabetes went away as soon as Noah was born, and he was as healthy as could be.

I have not been officially tested yet for gestational diabetes.  That happens soon.  However, I know what it feels like, and when I starting feeling it, I started testing my blood sugar at home (still have all the supplies!)  Sure enough, it’s high.  BUT not as high as last time.  It’s only a little bit high or just enough to make me feel bad.  So maybe this time it can be controlled with diet and pills instead of diet and insulin shots.  That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.  I’m good at taking pills.  Take ‘em everyday.  If it was an Olympic sport, I’d be all trained up and ready.  Bring on the pills!

So, with the gestational diabetes, I am going to have to give up PT.  I was probably going to have to anyway.  It’s just too hard for me to get out of the house 3 days a week.  Last time I only got to do a smattering of the exercises before I almost passed out and had to lay down the rest of the time.  That was embarrassing.  I will miss the low impact exercise though.  I would love to borrow a treadmill for the next few months.  We don’t have the money or space to have one permanently, but exercise makes a huge difference for the gestational diabetes.  So pray with me about that would you?  Borrowing a treadmill seems like the best solution to me, but God may have another plan.

Could I also ask you to pray for my husband’s job?  I have said it before and I’ll keep saying it – I have never seen someone work so hard for no money.  I am astounded.  If Derek’s work ethic was truly reflected in wealth, you wouldn’t recognize us!  Strange how the world works.  However, I know with all my heart that God is getting ready to do something big in our lives.  We don’t walk through the desert for nothing.  God will be glorified.  He faithfully pours out his blessing on our lives.  I see it everyday.  I know that He is working, and whatever He has planned for us over the next few months will be for our good and His glory.

Hmmm, my thoughts have wandered from my original intention with this post.  I wanted to talk about how wonderful Jellybean is.  In the last couple of weeks I have really been able to feel her move.  It was subtle at first, but now it’s quite pronounced.  I love that part of being pregnant.  I love never being alone.  When I am awake in the middle of night or when Derek and Noah go somewhere without me, I have little Jellybean to keep me company.  She rolls and kicks to tell me it’s time to eat.  Then, she rolls and kicks if she likes what I ate.  At least that seems to be the pattern.  She’s pretty active.

I can hardly wait to meet our little Jellybean face to face.  I really hope we have a name for her by then.  Although I would like to see the look on the nurse’s face if we say “yep, Jellybean, put that on the birth certificate.”  Ha! Ha! Ha!

God is good.  All the time.

Great? Expectations . . .

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? 

~Micah 6:8

Today I woke up quite early and was unable to go back to sleep.  By “quite early” I mean before 7am.  For me that’s really something.   Rather than lay there and worry, I got up shortly after 7am and began the day.  As sometimes happens when I get up early, I find myself getting things done that I can’t usually do.  I did most of Noah’s morning routine with my own spin on it – reading aloud to him, and playing/singing hymns. (There was also feeding, playing, dressing etc - O how I wish I could do it everyday!)  I got beans in the Crockpot for dinner (not hard, but quite the accomplishment for me), and I made tomato bruschetta.  The bruschetta is marinating, although I’m not quite done tweaking it yet.  This is more than I usually do all day.  Go figure.

Whenever I have days like this I become reacquainted with a part of myself that I often forget about.  This is good and bad.  Suddenly I’m bombarding my husband with ideas like "we should go here and do this thing," “we should get together with so and so” or “let’s plan a big get together at house on this day.  I’ll make a big meal.”  All wonderful ideas, but is it possible?  We’ll see.  Days like this are bittersweet.  Sweet because while I am able to do more than usual, and I’m pretty excited about planning things.  Bitter because I may not be able to follow through with those plans, and I get a glimpse of what I would be like if I was healthy.  How active, social, and “complete” I would be.  When I say “complete” it means complete in what I think I should be.  The kind of wife, mother and friend I expect myself to be.  And there’s that wrong thinking again.  I fight it everyday of my life – the good days and the bad.  While my expectations may sometimes be good motivators, more often than not, they are a weight around neck, whispering lies in my ear.  I fail in my own expectations because I expect wrongly.  I should be looking at what God expects from me.  While I don’t always recognize it right away, God does not hide his expectations from me.  His will is never beyond my sight.  Doing my best everyday, no matter how little it seems, is enough.  Loving those around me.  Serving God with my whole heart.

This is a good thing for me to remember as things are about to get rough for us.  I can see the desert up ahead.  I’m so glad that I don’t have to go through it alone.

How we got to where we are - Part 3

Part Three

(This is the last part on how we got to where we are now.  I am hoping to post mostly about current things after this).

So we started the traditional treatment – anti-depressants.  I was hopeful that we would find something that worked quickly.  Not so.  If we found something that helped it would only be effective for a few weeks.  So it would continue for the next several years.  I should also mention that within two months of moving back we got a cat (that’s its own story) and a dachshund puppy.  Someday I will bore you with the story of Tika, but for now I have to say that she has been a tremendous comfort to me.  For a chronically ill person, there are few things in life as comforting as a pet. 

After spending the winter in Idaho City with Derek driving an hour to work in Boise, we decided to go ahead and look into buying a house.  This was a surprise to some people who thought we were planning on going right back to grad school.  Not only did we buy a house, but we had pets (unwelcome in student housing).  I took criticism because Derek had such a good thing going with his teaching position (which paid for grad school), and it was such a good opportunity for him.  I had the same deal and opportunity, by the way.  Like I needed more guilt and anxiety heaped on.  Besides that, God's will for our life starting leading us away from grad school.  Our plans to go back got fuzzier and fuzzier.  If we had put every part of our life on hold (as was expected, apparently), and not bought a house or pets, I believe with all my heart we would have been out of God's will.  Even with fibromyalgia, our life isn't static.  Though it feels like I'm not moving forward, we are always growing and changing. 

I was officially diagnosed with fibromyaglia in 2004.  Although we knew that's what we were dealing with, the actual diagnosis hit me hard.  It made it permanent for me.  Fibromyalgia would be with me everyday for the rest of my life.  I was only in my 20's and I would never feel completely healthy again.

Here we are and more than a decade has passed since my symptoms started.  Never, ever could I have imagined that I would not only still be ill, but feeling worse than ever.  We delayed having children thinking I would get better.  We went into debt because I never have been able to work again.  Even five years ago I could be more active. I could work in the garden.  I can’t do that now, and I really miss it.  In 2008 we did find a drug that worked well for 9 months (with side effects), I stopped taking it for fear that it was the reason I wasn’t becoming pregnant.  I have tried it twice since then and it has never again been effective.  I did get pregnant three months later, however. 

During my pregnancy I was sure that God was going to either heal me or help me function better because I would have a baby to care for.  By now Derek had been a real estate agent for several years.  He’s able to work from home which is necessary for us.  I was convinced though that he couldn’t take care of a baby and work, or that he shouldn’t have to.  Everyone told me that fibromyalgia would go into remission during pregnancy, but it actually got worse for me.  I struggled with complications.  Nevertheless, I was still convinced that once I had the baby *poof* I would be better.  I had to be. 

I was worse.  The year after Noah was born was the worst year I could remember physically.  Noah is now almost two, and things continue to get worse.  I can count on one hand the number of times I been to church in the last year and a half.  I love going to church.  I miss it.  I makes me truly sad when my friends have the opportunity to go, and just don’t. I think about going to church all week, and pray I will be able to get enough rest, feel well enough, have the energy, and courage to get out of the house.  It’s a slap in the face to me when my friends have all those things, but don’t go.  Don’t they realize what they are missing?  How can you grow if you don't go to church?  How do you stay encouraged in your faith without the fellowship of a church family?  It's so vital to a christian walk.  I realize I’ve drifted off topic.

I am due to have our second baby the week after Noah turns two.  We were surprised by this one.  I had decided that it would be better to wait another year before having more kids.  Again, my plan and not God’s plan.  The further we get into this year, the more God hears me crying out “how will I take care of this child?”  “How can I bring another child into our situation?  What if we can’t afford to take care of another baby?” 

Don’t get me wrong.  My favorite thing in the world is being a Mommy.  I am continually frustrated because I can’t do it as well as I would like.  It’s funny because I never gave much thought to having kids.  I took for granted that IF I got married, I would have kids no sooner than 5 years into the marriage.  That was all the further I thought.  I never had the driving desire that some women have to become a mother.  It was just part of the package.  Then, several years into our marriage it was like a switch was flipped.  I wanted to have a baby.  I tried to ignore it for a long time, because I wanted to get better first.  We wanted to save up the money first.  Little did I know neither thing was necessary.  If we had stuck to that thinking we would never have had children.  When I finally became pregnant with Noah (it took almost two years), it was so exciting.  When he was born, it was like an epiphany for me.  Being a mom is the most fun I’ve ever had.  It gets me out of bed, which is no easy feat!  It keeps me here.  I cannot thank God enough for making me a mommy.  I am so overwhelmingly thrilled that God's ways are not our ways.  Still, I often falter and want to fall back onto my own plans.  I think I will probably always struggle with that.  But God is patient, and shows me over and over that His way is always best.

One of the hardest parts of fibromyalgia (no, there is no EASY part), is the mental/emotional struggle.  Everyday I struggle with guilt.  Guilt because I can't work.  Guilt because I can't be the kind of mommy I want to be.  Guilt because my husband has to make all our meals, maintain the house inside and out, and take care of our young son, and all while trying to keep his business going.  Sometimes Derek has to help get me from one room to the next.  Guilt because he does 99% of diaper changes.  Guilt because we are in debt.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Everyday the "what ifs" threaten to overtake me.  "What if I hadn't gotten sick?"  "What if I could have been teaching all these years?" Teaching was something I truly LOVED, by the way.  "What if I could take my son to the park today?" "What if I could garden like I used to just a few years ago?" "What if I never get better?"  "What if my children have to grow up taking care of me?" That last one is a newer realization that still devastates me.

These are the times that I have to force myself to remember that my expectations for myself are the not the same expectations that my Heavenly Father has for me.  Not only do I often expect too much of myself, but I expect the wrong the things.  I expect to be a 50's housewife, filling my days with cooking, baking, laundry, housework etc . . . So that my family and home look shiny and perfect.  This is not realistic, and frankly not as important as the few things I do manage to do.  

When the guilt and the "what if's?" overwhelm me, I have to grit my teeth, dig down to my stubbornness and remind myself that I am NOT going to let fibromyalgia steal my joy.  It has stolen a lot of things from me, but my joy and faith in God are still mine to decide.  I will hold onto that.  I will keep it.  Without it, the worst part of me takes over.  My God deserves better than that from me.  My family deserves better than that from me.  I deserve better than that from myself.  That's why I titled this blog "HurtingbutHappy."  I can't choose how much pain I will be in tomorrow or how much energy I will have, but I can choose how I will react.  Sometimes I get discouraged and make the wrong choice, but, overall, I am striving to choose joy.  The monster may have my health, but it will NOT steal my joy!

I had to include these photos from our garden.  I was looking at them the other day and it struck me how much I miss being able to garden.  I have planted a couple watermelon plants since this time, but they never survive. :(

Some of the harvest from my garden in 2006.  Did I mention that I really miss gardening?!

Watermelon from our garden 2006

Same watermelon, and the cantaloupe was from our garden too.  They were both so very yummy!

How we got to where we are - Part 2

Picking up the story from the previous post.

Part Two

So the local clinic continued to refer me to other doctors.  We continued to struggle, but we made it through the semester and decided to spend the summer there.  Within two weeks, we knew I couldn't work.  We had found temp jobs, but Derek ended up working long, odd shifts to make enough money for us to just get by.  I felt lousy all the time, couldn't get out, and became very sedentary from the fatigue.  My nerves didn't settle down either.  I was really jumpy about noise, and although we now knew that nothing was wrong with my heart, I continued to have heart symptoms.  I didn't put it together until much later, but also, something always hurt.  I gained 60lbs in that first year (or so) of marriage and most of that over the summer.

We made plans to fly to Idaho and visit my parents that August.  My mom made an appointment for me to see our family doctor.  This doctor spent a good bit of time talking to both of us about what was going on.  He determined (as we had suspected) that I would not be able to continue in graduate school.  I was not disappointed immediately because I thought we'd sit out for a short time, I'd get well, and we'd go right back.  I knew we would be criticized for not finishing, but God's will doesn't always work in 2 year increments.  So Derek flew back to start packing, and my dad and I drove to meet him at our apartment a few days later.  

God had allowed it that my parent's rental house (right next door to their house) was vacant.  So we moved back to Idaho and right into a house next door to my parents.  Derek as repainting the interior of the house, and looking for a job when the 9/11 terrorist attacks happen.  I will remember that day my entire life.

Obviously, Derek found a job.  I continued to see my doctor after we moved back.  After testing my blood for everything possible, they found nothing.  I remember distinctly at one appointment my doctor said the word “fibromyalgia.”  I never heard it before and I thought he was speaking some strange doctor language.  He must have seen the confusion on my face because he reached over and tore a piece tissue paper from the exam table and wrote the word down for me.  I asked me if I had internet access, and I did, so he told me to start researching.  Although the medical community was starting to recognize fibromyalgia a lot more than they ever had before, there still wasn't a lot of information available.  

During this time, I would often see excellent Nurse Practitioner rather than my doctor.  Early on we were talking about pain and the NP asked me “Does the pain move around?”  I was flabbergasted!  What a crazy notion!  Why on earth would pain move around?  Was she checking to see if I was crazy?  Was I a hypochondriac?  Actually, I had never thought of that way (because that would be CRAZY!) but, yes, the pain did move around.  It was then that I began to realize all the pain and injuries I thought were unrelated, were actually fibromyalgia.  Although it would be a few years before I was  "officially" diagnosed, now we knew what we were facing.

I wanted to write this first blog about how I got to where I am now.  However, when I went over three pages in a Word document, I thought that was probably too much for one entry.  After all, I wouldn't read a blog that long, so I can't expect anyone else to slog through it!

There is no way for me to write anything about my life without discussing my chronic illness.  It effects every minute of every day for me and my family.  So I thought I'd start by writing about life just before my symptoms started and how I got to where I am now.

Part One

In June of 2000, I was healthy, young 23 year old preparing to marry the man of my dreams.  I never thought I would get married, let alone to Derek.  He was the man wanted.  He made me laugh and understood me in a way no one ever had.  He was my very best friend.  But, our relationship had been so "will we? won't we?" that I had given up altogether.  Needless to say, we both came around.

So, eleven years ago I was making final wedding preparations and looking forward to our happy life together.  I just knew everything would be perfect!  We would never fight.  We had both just graduated from college, and were planning on returning for our Master's Degrees.  Money would be tight in grad school, but after that we'd have plenty of money.  After all, we were both well educated and eager to work.  We would find good jobs, save our money, get involved in a church, and in about 5 years we would start having children.  It was a very good, very responsible plan.  With all hope for the future, and an overly generous helping of naivety, we started our life together.  What we would soon find out is that our plan, though good and responsible, was not God's plan.

Six months into our marriage, we were taking grad classes, teaching, involved in church, and maintaining a social life when I started to not feel well.  A pinched nerve in my back flared up causing quite a bit of pain. I remember spending Christmas break at my m-i-l's house in PA and feeling like I had the flu.  In January I went to the university clinic and the doctor diagnosed "malaise and fatigue" and really didn't know what was wrong.  This was also when I started having heart symptoms.  After a battery of tests, and weeks of wearing a heart monitor we found that my heart was healthy.  I started missing classes and work because I was so tired I couldn't get out of the apartment.  As the weeks progressed, I was chewed out by my boss, and told politely by my teachers that I just wasn't trying.  I remember lying in bed at night, almost asleep, when the air conditioner would kick on and I would jump so hard it woke up Derek.  My heart would pound so hard and so fast I thought I was actually dying.  The doctors were clueless so they diagnosed it as stress.  This was always the diagnoses I got at that clinic.  If you weren't having a baby at this clinic, you were suffering from stress.

Still, our plans for the future were unchanged.  I was young, and had been reasonably healthy up to this point.  We were sure that we would find the right doctor, get a proper diagnoses and treatment would take care of the problem. It was just a speed bump or so we thought.