Keep Looking UP

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  ~John 10:10

As I open the top of the prescription pill bottle, count the contents and try to decide - one or two? - a thought strikes me.  This is no life.  Most people take an OTC pill, what, once a week?  A couple times a month?  For a headache, backache, or muscle strain after over doing a work out.  Not me.  I take, on average, 3 prescription pain pills a day.  For a minute or two the thought "this is no life" consumes me.  Even with these pain meds, I barely function.  This is no life.

Then I hear a voice, I believe it is the voice of a much younger me reciting a verse for Awana, or Sunday School or Bible Camp.  It could also be the voice of one or many preachers I have heard.  The voice is reading the words written on my heart so long ago "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."

There have been several times in my life that I have come to realization (usually to correct my own wrong thinking), that God did not put us here, Jesus did not redeem us with His own precious blood that we may just live.  God gave us life to live with joy.  When the monster steals my focus, I miss out on the joy of that moment or hour or day.  But when I look away from the monster and look up I see all the God has given me.  He is generous and kind.  I have much more than I deserve and, sadly, much more than I thank Him for on regular basis.  God has not just given us life (although that would be more than enough!).  He has given us an abundant life - joyous, victorious and free.

I remember a time of struggling in college.  I don't remember what the issue was, but I called home for the comfort and help that parents can give.  I remember my dad asking me if I ever watched runners.  Like Olympic runners.  Of course, everyone has seen competitive runners.  He said, "What happens if a runner looks down at his feet while he's running in a race?"  He would trip and fall.  Life is like that.  We are running a race, pressing on toward the high calling.  If we look down at our feet we are going to  trip, fall or at the very least get off course.  We've got to keep our eyes on the goal.  My goal is my Savior.  Someday the pain of this life will have passed and I will spend eternity in the light of the Son.  A taste of that joy can be found here if we keep our eyes focused on Him.  That's what I need to remember when I'm counting pain meds.  When I'm wondering if it's too soon to take another one.  When Sunday comes again and I am home alone and overwhelmingly discouraged.  When I can't pick up my son and comfort him.  When I have to count my pain meds I should count my blessings.  The Lord has given me a wonderful family.  A beautiful, happy, healthy son.  A healthy daughter on the way.  A husband that is patient and self sacrificing.  A church family that shows me Christs love and compassion.  Friends that stick with me even though I am a really hard person to be friends with.  The list goes on and on.  Those pain meds I worry about, ration and count are just for this life.  In heaven I won't need them.  In heaven I won't ever have to think about them.  What a blessing.

Since first writing the above a few days ago, the flood has threatened to overwhelm me.  I have felt as though I were drowning and alone.  The fiercer the storm, the greater the temptation to look down at my feet.  Life's problems always seem biggest when we are focusing on them.  Yet, if we focus on God the problems seem so much smaller.  I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.  I'm am still tempted to try and wade through the torrent on my own - trying to find the solution on my own.  Oh the strength and energy I am wasting!  So, I am spending today redirecting my focus.  Letting God's Word wash over me.  Listening to music that will comfort me and help redirect my focus.

This is what's playing at my house today.  The verse in bold is especially encouraging to me, although I love the entire song.

In Christ Alone

by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

IN CHRIST ALONE my hope is found,He is my light, my strength, my song;This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.What heights of love, what depths of peace,When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!My Comforter, my All in All,

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! – who took on flesh,Fullness of God in helpless babe!This gift of love and righteousness,Scorned by the ones He came to save:Till on that cross as Jesus died,The wrath of God was satisfied –For every sin on Him was laid;

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,Light of the world by darkness slain:Then bursting forth in glorious DayUp from the grave He rose again!And as He stands in victorySin’s curse has lost its grip on me,For I am His and He is mine –

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,This is the power of Christ in me;From life’s first cry to final breath,Jesus commands my destiny.No power of hell, no scheme of man,Can ever pluck me from His hand;Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!

CCLI Song # 3350395, © 2001 Thankyou Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing)

Meet Jellybean

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:28 

I have probably used this verse before.  Be assured, I will use it again.  This verse greatly encourages me and increases my faith.  I love God.  I try to live like I love God everyday, so I know that all the difficult things I face will work out for good. I may not always see it, but that’s why I need faith.  I cling to this verse and am better for it.

As you probably know, we are expecting a little girl.  She’s due to arrive the first week of November.  If you are paying entirely too much attention to my life, you will realize that she’s due the week after Noah turns two.  People keep telling me how perfect that is, and all I can say is “We didn’t plan it that way!”  We had talked about trying for another baby shortly after Noah’s first birthday, but that was because it took us 2 years to conceive Noah.  So we though that if it takes two years again, we’d better start around then.  When that time rolled around we knew we were not ready for another one yet.  With my health getting increasingly worse, and Derek having to be primary caregiver and primary bread winner we already wondered how we would make it through the day.  That didn’t stop me from wanting another one right away.  Then, even that feeling waned under the strain of life.

However, God knows infinitely more than we do.  Although I thought we had taken necessary steps (ish) to prevent a surprise, surprised we were.  I would go into more detail here (because I like to laugh at myself), but sometimes less is more.  Needless to say, it didn’t take two years to conceive our little girl.  It didn’t even take planning.

Although I have had a long list of baby names picked out since before we were married, now that we are here, we can’t seem to find a name we both love.  So, for now, we are calling our little girl Jellybean. 

So far this pregnancy has been entirely different from my first.  Morning sickness was about the same.  Cravings though – entirely different.  I had to start physical therapy for back pain with this pregnancy.  I learned though that it’s not uncommon for women to have this kind of back/hip pain and need physical therapy in their second pregnancy.  Also the same – gestational diabetes.  I was really hoping to escape that this time around.  I almost convinced myself that I would.  I lost weight between the two pregnancies, though it wasn’t much.  My weight gain this time has been dramatically different.  At last count it was less than 10 lbs so far (7, I think?).  That’s quite a change from the 30+ I gained with the first pregnancy.  I’m still not even to the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant the first time.  But apparently all that wasn’t enough to escape the gestational diabetes this time.  Last time it was especially bad.  I had to have 5 insulin shots a day.  Ouch.  Not to mention saying goodbye to things like cold cereal, ice cream and juice.  By God’s grace, the diabetes went away as soon as Noah was born, and he was as healthy as could be.

I have not been officially tested yet for gestational diabetes.  That happens soon.  However, I know what it feels like, and when I starting feeling it, I started testing my blood sugar at home (still have all the supplies!)  Sure enough, it’s high.  BUT not as high as last time.  It’s only a little bit high or just enough to make me feel bad.  So maybe this time it can be controlled with diet and pills instead of diet and insulin shots.  That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.  I’m good at taking pills.  Take ‘em everyday.  If it was an Olympic sport, I’d be all trained up and ready.  Bring on the pills!

So, with the gestational diabetes, I am going to have to give up PT.  I was probably going to have to anyway.  It’s just too hard for me to get out of the house 3 days a week.  Last time I only got to do a smattering of the exercises before I almost passed out and had to lay down the rest of the time.  That was embarrassing.  I will miss the low impact exercise though.  I would love to borrow a treadmill for the next few months.  We don’t have the money or space to have one permanently, but exercise makes a huge difference for the gestational diabetes.  So pray with me about that would you?  Borrowing a treadmill seems like the best solution to me, but God may have another plan.

Could I also ask you to pray for my husband’s job?  I have said it before and I’ll keep saying it – I have never seen someone work so hard for no money.  I am astounded.  If Derek’s work ethic was truly reflected in wealth, you wouldn’t recognize us!  Strange how the world works.  However, I know with all my heart that God is getting ready to do something big in our lives.  We don’t walk through the desert for nothing.  God will be glorified.  He faithfully pours out his blessing on our lives.  I see it everyday.  I know that He is working, and whatever He has planned for us over the next few months will be for our good and His glory.

Hmmm, my thoughts have wandered from my original intention with this post.  I wanted to talk about how wonderful Jellybean is.  In the last couple of weeks I have really been able to feel her move.  It was subtle at first, but now it’s quite pronounced.  I love that part of being pregnant.  I love never being alone.  When I am awake in the middle of night or when Derek and Noah go somewhere without me, I have little Jellybean to keep me company.  She rolls and kicks to tell me it’s time to eat.  Then, she rolls and kicks if she likes what I ate.  At least that seems to be the pattern.  She’s pretty active.

I can hardly wait to meet our little Jellybean face to face.  I really hope we have a name for her by then.  Although I would like to see the look on the nurse’s face if we say “yep, Jellybean, put that on the birth certificate.”  Ha! Ha! Ha!

God is good.  All the time.

Great? Expectations . . .

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? 

~Micah 6:8

Today I woke up quite early and was unable to go back to sleep.  By “quite early” I mean before 7am.  For me that’s really something.   Rather than lay there and worry, I got up shortly after 7am and began the day.  As sometimes happens when I get up early, I find myself getting things done that I can’t usually do.  I did most of Noah’s morning routine with my own spin on it – reading aloud to him, and playing/singing hymns. (There was also feeding, playing, dressing etc - O how I wish I could do it everyday!)  I got beans in the Crockpot for dinner (not hard, but quite the accomplishment for me), and I made tomato bruschetta.  The bruschetta is marinating, although I’m not quite done tweaking it yet.  This is more than I usually do all day.  Go figure.

Whenever I have days like this I become reacquainted with a part of myself that I often forget about.  This is good and bad.  Suddenly I’m bombarding my husband with ideas like "we should go here and do this thing," “we should get together with so and so” or “let’s plan a big get together at house on this day.  I’ll make a big meal.”  All wonderful ideas, but is it possible?  We’ll see.  Days like this are bittersweet.  Sweet because while I am able to do more than usual, and I’m pretty excited about planning things.  Bitter because I may not be able to follow through with those plans, and I get a glimpse of what I would be like if I was healthy.  How active, social, and “complete” I would be.  When I say “complete” it means complete in what I think I should be.  The kind of wife, mother and friend I expect myself to be.  And there’s that wrong thinking again.  I fight it everyday of my life – the good days and the bad.  While my expectations may sometimes be good motivators, more often than not, they are a weight around neck, whispering lies in my ear.  I fail in my own expectations because I expect wrongly.  I should be looking at what God expects from me.  While I don’t always recognize it right away, God does not hide his expectations from me.  His will is never beyond my sight.  Doing my best everyday, no matter how little it seems, is enough.  Loving those around me.  Serving God with my whole heart.

This is a good thing for me to remember as things are about to get rough for us.  I can see the desert up ahead.  I’m so glad that I don’t have to go through it alone.